mxdwn sat down with singer-songwriter/actress Alison Sudol to discuss her upcoming album, Still Come the Night. Sudol reveals in this interview, then shortly after on her Instagram, how this album was largely inspired by the loss she and her partner experienced; a miscarriage. After toiling with that grief and loss, they decided to try to conceive again, their first child now just over a year old. Sudol learned to navigate this loss, along with the journey of being a new mother in the entertainment industry, all the while also filming in the Fantastic Beast movies. Throughout her career, Sudol has kept most of her personal life private, so it was an honor for her to give us a peek into her world.

mxdwn: What does it mean to you to have your music featured in TV shows and movies, and now you are the one in TV shows and movies getting that experience? Have you always had a passion for both music and film? Have those always gone together? How do you feel about how all of this has grown?

Alison Sudol: Yeah. It’s surreal. It’s something that I’ve always felt connection to and been drawn to. I grew up in LA, which is after I left the magical land of the Northwest. I grew up in a very distinctly uglier LA. And you know, that’s a real showbiz town, and I was surrounded by actors and acting. I wasn’t really interested in that at that point and music was everything to me. But as I got older, I started to fall in love with film and the way that you could explore emotion and storytelling through a combination of music, a visual medium and a narrative. I was strongly affected by people’s performances in film and TV, predominantly film then, but TV’s changed a lot. Now, TV is in some ways is even more interesting than film. Because you have such a long time to explore the characters. But yeah, when it came down to it, it was a weirdly natural transition. I just came at it from a storytelling point of view and it was cool to get to be creative in a different way. And to be collaborative in a different way. It was pretty connected, really the two, even though it’s a different life, a very different life.

mxdwn: Have your recent acting experiences influenced your new music that’s coming out?

AS: I mean, I think everything goes in the pot. It’s hard to know what exactly is inspiring. Conversations that I have on sets always filter into my creative mind, and struggles as well. They all kind of end up in the same place, so it’s hard to know. There hasn’t been a linear inspiration trail, but it’s all just, it’s all food. You don’t really know where you’re creating from when you’re writing a song, it’s just you and your life.

mxdwn: That makes sense. You said that at first, music was definitely at the forefront. What about at this point in your life? Does music still take precedence over the acting? Are they a little hand-in-hand? Is there one that’s always more in the front of your mind than the other?

AS: Well, music is my writing and my story and my most intimate expression. So that’s always sort of embedded in me. But acting offers both a kind of structure to creativity as well as a really lovely sort of summer camp type of collaboration. Which you also get in a band, but it’s just a little bit different. I think music will always be what leads my heart, but acting is really good for me. It is really supportive of my creative process in a way that I didn’t expect it to be. And it also pushes me into emotional territory that I’m not necessarily comfortable with. With music I can have a bit more control than with acting because it’s not about you when you’re acting. So you do stuff that you don’t necessarily wanna do. And, and I think that’s good for me to be pushed.

mxdwn: Yeah. It’s always nice to test the boundaries a little bit. That’s kind of how you explore new things.

AS: Totally, totally.

mxdwn: The first song I wanted to talk about was “Playground,” which I thought was very beautiful. You even used it as a title for a hashtag on your Instagram with a photo of your baby, and what I am presuming is your significant other. And I say presumably, because you do a very wonderful job at keeping that part of your life private. I think that’s very respectable and totally in your right. But then as you know, fans are always going to feel some sort of entitlement to a star’s personal details. Do you have any worries that writing and singing about your love life will amp up that entitlement that they have? Or have you felt any additional pressure in that realm from people since releasing that song? Is this kind of your way of showing that you’re starting to feel a little more open to expressing that part of your life more?

AS: Yeah, I mean, people have been really nice and respectful, actually. 

mxdwn: That’s good. 

AS: Really, really good. And yeah, I’m pretty intensely private about my personal life, and so is my partner. But there are things that are maybe starting to soften in terms of our boundaries, in that this is not just my story, but it’s our story, and his side of this story is really important. The partner’s side is often neglected when we are talking about loss. I noticed, and we noticed that there was a lot of focus on me afterwards, but not on him and his loss too. So you know, in the promotion of this record and in the exploration of this story, I do think that there is something important about him also having his say and his side of the story. There’s some stuff that we’re navigating in terms of how much we will talk about our relationship. We’re just not interested in making our relationship the thing that’s like the focal point. We’re both creative people and we’re not interested in being paparazzi’d. Where we live, nobody cares anyway. At all. We just don’t wanna court an unnecessary amount of attention towards us. Also because protecting our kid is tantamount, that’s number one, you know? So things like not talking about the name of our child and stuff like that, just because the world’s a freaking weird-ass place and people are, mostly, totally cool. And like, then there are, sometimes, some people who aren’t cool, and so you have to be extra careful.

mxdwn: Yeah. Unfortunately those couple of not-great people kind of ruin it for everyone in getting to get to know an artist to the degree that they’d like to. And again, not that people are really entitled to that either. Just because you are in the public eye, doesn’t mean that everyone needs to know you better than they would know, for example, the person next to them on the bus.

AS: Yeah. It’s funny because just because you’re a musician or actor doesn’t necessarily mean you’re like, an extrovert. I’m kind of the opposite. I’m just not and neither is he, so yeah.

mxdwn: And then, on that note, we also have the song “Peaches,” which is also very beautiful. Your baby is just over a year old now if I’m correct? What’s it been like being a new mom, especially being a new mom while working in the entertainment industry?

AS: Being a new mom is everything at once. It is magical, and wondrous, and miraculous, and sometimes it’s hard, and it pushes you to the edge of your sanity. And it’s sometimes it’s just like a lot of poop, and dishes, and laundry, and laundry, and poop, and dishes, and dishes, and poop on the laundry, you know, it’s just like, AHHH! And then, and then, they do something just absolutely gobsmackingly gorgeous, and you’re just like, ahhh! My life is the best ever, you know? So yeah, it’s everything, and more. And it’s deepened me and widened me, and opened up parts of myself that have been shut down for a long time. And I’m loving it.

Being a creative person and being a mom at the same time is really hard. I’m not gonna lie. It’s hard to balance it. You have to really work to figure out how to best support both at the same time. And I’m constantly dropping one ball and, and then the other, hopefully not dropping my kid. But, you know, dropping things, forgetting things, missing emails, scrambling, you know, trying to do as much as I can and feeling a little bit like I’m failing at all times. But also, I think that I’m far more invested in my career. And much more motivated, and much more creative and joyous in that creation as a mom. It’s certainly made me a better artist. Without a doubt. What I have the capacity for now is far and beyond what I ever had access to before. I think something that I had to really grapple with before I got pregnant was this sort of narrative that you die when you become a mom, you know? But like you do! You kind of do. The old you is gone, that’s blasted. What wasn’t emphasized to me before was that, when you can really fully let that old iteration of yourself go, that actually there’s like this whole, bigger, more interesting world on the other side. You just have to work a little harder to access it. You can’t do things lazily. You don’t have free time. You just don’t. So you have to be smart and you have to work it out. And I have really bad ADHD.

mxdwn: Hey, so do I! It’s why my brain totally wasn’t working earlier. 

AS: God, I get it. Believe me. I was like, I understand. I feel you. So scattered brains and being a mom is like, it’s challenging. But all of it makes me just feel way more excited about the next chapter of my life than ever before.

mxdwn: That really is awesome. And that’s nice that you found a way to balance it. Well, as much as you can at least. Because I’ve definitely heard a lot of moms talk about how it’s really easy to lose yourself once you’ve had a kid.

AS: Yeah, yeah. It’s so easy. And you do, you do for a while, right? I think you should just accept that, that is part of it. But actually, the reclamation of things that you lost touch with that you want to keep, and the discovery of what you want to become, that’s actually really important. Like yes, you do lose yourself. Yes, your identity gets blasted. Yeah, you feel like your body looks like a pile of mashed potatoes, and your hair is greasy and you know, all kinds of stuff. But like you’ve gotta—you just have to make choices, one after the next, to go where you want to go. And yeah, it’s hard, but I mean, so is everything. Life is hard. So you might as well just go in. 

mxdwn: In and do your best.

AS: Yeah. Do your best!

mxdwn: And then I would also love to hear about the production of the music video for “Peaches,” and its ’80s vibe, home-video recording style. I was really curious if the clips have a mix of your actual home videos that you’ve been taking throughout this new chapter of your life.

AS: I wish. I don’t wanna dispel that lovely notion, but—

mxdwn: I mean, either way, it’s artistically beautiful.

AS: Thanks! I was in the middle of promoting fantastic beasts, and life was crazy, and “Peaches” was about to come out, and we didn’t really have anything for it visually. And suddenly it came down to a couple weeks ahead of it. And the label and I, we were like, we’ve got to make something. And so a super smart guy that worked there, he was like, what if I get you a camcorder? Do you think you can make something? And I was like, well, we have two hours free. Okay, we’ll try. And so my partner is the DP, and those things that we filmed are things in our life. And he did a really beautiful job at finding the small corners, and the small little details that are beautiful. And we didn’t wanna show our child’s face, but you know, the hands and little bits. And then I have a very rudimentary understanding of editing because I edited the music video for “The Runner,” which is a song of mine a while back. So I kind of vaguely knew how to edit. So I just hacked it together.

mxdwn: Well, I love how it came out.

AS: Thanks! Yeah. Thank you. It felt really good. I mean, that’s kind of the way that a lot of the best creative endeavors happen. Like, you just make something, but you’re pressed into sort of thinking outside of the box. And I did some fun things that I’d never really tried before on final cut to explore time, and the feeling of memory. And yeah, it was fun. It was intense, but it was fun.

mxdwn: Yeah. I mean, in my experience, some of the best stuff comes out of procrastination, funnily enough.

AS: Yeah. You would know something about that with ADHD, yeah! Procrastination and then severe cortisol from the same headline.

mxdwn: And then, to me, at least I heard your album telling two different stories. One is of course about that journey of love, and being with your partner, and your baby. But then I was also getting the other story of exhaustion and trying to stay present. I saw those themes in songs like “Bone Tired,” “Meteor Shower,” and “The Clearing,” to name a few. We get the lyrics like, “One breath, one minute, one hour, one day,” “Breathe in, in and out,” and “Now we are here, and now it is now.” What in your life inspired those lyrics?

AS: So the album is colored by the fact that we’ve now had a child. And so that changes things retroactively. And I guess, yeah, it sort of shifts the narrative, but when I wrote this album in the studio—as well with Chris and Alex and Lloyd—but what I was going through when I was writing this was processing a miscarriage. And so the album begins with “Bone Tired,” which is where the entire album kind of began, which is this sense of just being completely emptied out and exhausted from what happened. But there was something in the pain that was very clarifying. It’s really difficult to describe, which is why I had to make an entire album about it because there was just so much to unpack in the way that I felt in those early days. And there’s just a roller coaster of emotions that I went through. And then “Peaches” is actually, even though it’s early on in the album, it’s much later. That’s where I was when we were talking about trying to conceive again. And then you kind of go back into “Playground,” and “Playground” is where we started, with that joy and that love. Then from “Playground,” into “The Clearing,” that’s going into the pain. It’s sort of like, you know, referring back to earlier in the interview—talking about film and TV and stuff—it’s like when you watch a film, some films are chronological, and some films go back and forth in time, and that’s how this record plays out. So yeah, “The Clearing,” is where you sort of start to get to the depth of where I was at, not being able to function. And it is like “one breath, one minute, one hour, one day” is how I got through the worst of it. Just trying to keep my head down and carry on because thinking too far off was too hard.

mxdwn: Yeah. I can definitely relate to that. When I used to get overwhelmed as a kid, and my God even up to today, I would be like, “okay, what about this and this and this and this and this and oh my God, I’m overwhelmed!” My mom would always tell me, “Katie, one slice of pie at a time.” And so that’s kind of what I repeat to myself in those kinds of situations. And so I did really like that line for that connection.

AS: Thank you. Yeah, it applies to so much more. And the thing about this album is that it was prompted, it was born out of a very specific loss that I went through. But as I went through it, there was so much other grief that was coming up, and so many other emotions to process. It wasn’t one note. And it certainly isn’t just for people who have gone through that specific thing. I hope that it can be related to, even if you’ve never experienced that but you’ve experienced some kind of loss, or are even just struggling. And it’s joy as well, and love, and all the different kinds of colors in between that come up.

mxdwn: And then with the timing of this album, after the album Pines release in October 2012, you let go of the, “A Fine Frenzy,” moniker. Stating that you needed to grow, and the only way you could do that was to step away from it. And while we’ve gotten a few EPs and singles since then, the release of Still Come the Night will be your first studio album in almost exactly 10 years, a whole decade. It’ll be your first full-length album without the “Fine Frenzy” moniker. How have you grown since leaving it behind? And what does “A Fine Frenzy,” mean to you looking back?

AS: Wow. Well, I mean, yeah, it was a long time ago, 10 years. And when I put out my first album, it was 15 years ago. Ah! It was what?

mxdwn: Ah! Time!

AS: Ahh! Doesn’t feel that long ago! But it does. I mean, it’s impossible to put it into words really. I don’t feel like the same person at all, but I have compassion for that young woman who was really having a hard time, and who didn’t know what was going on. I hadn’t, at that point in time, there was a lot that I hadn’t processed and worked through. And a lot of questions that I didn’t even dare ask myself. And there were a lot of people that were just very present in my life that… some people are like, I’m very, very, very glad I’m not around. Some just had an understanding of who I was based on what I projected that wasn’t true. I just didn’t know who I was and I didn’t know what was going on. I had a lot of shame around that for a long time, and I wanted that girl and that name, and that everything to disappear. Because yeah, shame, and a lot of pain. And, it took me a long time to realize that, though I wasn’t in the greatest state, though I did have a lot of work to do, I did create some things that I’m still proud of. And that also meant something to people. And that’s something beautiful to celebrate. Not to want to destroy and bury, like I’ve felt in the past. And so it’s interesting to be at this 10-year mark, and to be looking back. And I think, I mostly can look back with love at that girl, and see why she made the decisions that she made and also be proud of the things that she did. But she does feel like another person, it’s weird.

mxdwn: How do you think your music and your music production process have evolved since then?

AS: Oh, God. I mean, it’s just so different now. Because I have a lot more confidence. I’ve been doing it such a long time now, so I just know things in my body more. I understand my voice better. And I don’t care about comparison, or things that I used to really like worry about, or fitting in, or whatever that I used to be really just hung up on when I was younger. And so that just allows a lot more freedom, musically. And the musicians that I am working with now just really understand what is in my mind before I even necessarily know it yet. They’re great. And we really bonded making this record. And Chris is a dream and has been so great to work with. And we are continuing to collaborate. He’s just opened all kinds of doors for me creatively. It’s just a really great experience to work with him. But I’ve worked with really incredible musicians in the past, and in those albums, those three albums that I made, I’ve worked with some absolutely exquisite people and human beings. I miss them and I’d like to collaborate with them again, too. I think the biggest change is really me. Because yeah, on my first record, second record, third record. Just, ridiculous people actually. Did I know who I was working with? Like what the hell? Did I think that was normal?

mxdwn: Does this album mark a musical return for you by any chance? Does it mean that we’re going to be seeing more full-length albums from you a bit more frequently? Do you know where you want to be musically in the next five years or so? Or are you taking it that one breath, one minute, one hour, and one day at a time?

AS: It’s a combo platter because the only way that I’m gonna get any albums out is one breath, one minute, one hour, one day. But I don’t want to take the breaks anymore. I want to put out so much music. I have so much to explore, and so many collaborations to do that I’m excited about. So, this is the beginning of a new chapter, a chapter where I’m gonna get outta my own way, and not sit on… damn I’ve sat on so much music. You wouldn’t even believe how much music I haven’t released! It’s so stupid. So I’m just planning on not doing that anymore. I don’t have time to make music that I throw away.

mxdwn: Have you already started writing more music?

AS: I have, yeah.

mxdwn: That’s exciting.

AS: Mhm, there’s stuff in the works.

mxdwn: That’s awesome. How overall, do you want the listeners to feel while listening to the album?

AS: I mean, I guess I hope that when you listen to this album that you allow yourself to take up all the emotional space that you need to feel, whatever it brings up in you. And to be curious, and if difficult things come up, to maybe just, sit with them for a little bit and breathe. Because, if stuff comes up, that might be a good thing, things that need to be felt. I hope that it just gives you some space to get a little closer to yourself.

mxdwn: That’s absolutely wonderful, I love that. Is there anything else that you would like to say about the album or anything else that you wanna add?

AS: I guess I would just say that I hope to create more conversation around these topics. Around loss and grief. And create safe spaces for opening up and to just help with the taboo around it. And obviously this is not the only subject matter that I’m interested in, but I think it’s really important because a lot of people that I’ve met, women and also men, have gone through this and have had to keep it a secret because they didn’t feel comfortable sharing it. Because you don’t necessarily know how something like this is gonna be received. And it’s a very vulnerable thing to happen. I don’t think necessarily most of us have gone through it that can understand, but I think that we should just be creating a bit more awareness about this, cause it’s just so common. It’s like one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage.

mxdwn: Yeah. I have some close people that have had experiences, even more than one experience with it that it’s just, I literally cannot imagine.

AS: It’s very hard. It’s very, very hard, and really pushes you to some really difficult places. So yeah, create space because I think when people are in pain and not allowed to express it, I don’t think it can fully heal. 

mxdwn: I agree with that. I am an insane mental health advocate and so I love opening conversations about hard stuff like that. And if this is where you are in beginning with starting those conversations, I’m really excited to see what else you start in the future.

AS: Thank you. I mean there’s so much to tackle, right? One thing, one breath, one minute, one mental health issue, one day.

mxdwn: Man, “A Fine Frenzy” was made from what, one of your favorite Shakespeare quotes? I think “One breath, one minute,” is gonna be my screen name going forward.

AS: That’s great! That’s great.

Live Photos by Raymond Flotat