The Worst Album of 2003, Made in 2013

Who are Wilson? Well, according to their Facebook page, they’re “five dudes in a van with beards and big dicks.” And guess what else? They’re apparently “working harder than your parents.” Well, hopefully their LP, Full Blast Fuckery, backs up this rather bold claim.

Prepare, fool, and armor yourself with the nearest wife-beater because “My Life My Grave” dropkicks you in the chest harder than getting rear ended by an F-250 equipped with truck-nuts. You can already smell the B.O. and desperation. Did this guy really just scream, “WOAH, YEAH!” before a blues shred solo? You’re damn right he did. Also keep in mind that the album cover is a fist-pumping mutant rat riding a Harley. “Better Off (Strictly Doods)” even features a Seether-esque breakdown before– you guessed it– more Guitar Center guitar soloing. Oh man, shit’s getting real.

“College Gangbang” starts off with some leftover post-Van Halen David Lee Roth riffs before turning into Foo Fighters covering Kiss. Remember that scene in Ghost World where that chick in the bar told Steve Buscemi, “Oh, if you like authentic blues, you really gotta check out Blues Hammer!” This band is Blues Hammer, only they’re called Wilson now? Did they change that shit or something? What gives?

Man, these Zakk Wylde riffs on “I Can Beat Your Dad” really make ya wanna haul ass down the freeway, mullet in the wind, slamming Busch tallboys, trying to convince yourself that what you’re hearing is actually good. Oh, what’s this? Your inner Chino Moreno wants out on “Viking Pussies Fuck Off”? Man, shit’s getting too real.

Another snippet from their page gives caution, “When that Wilson van cruises into your town that shit is REAL.” Real what? Pretentious? It’s damn near exhausting trying to pay any sort of proper attention to over 30 minutes of poorly executed clichés. Make no mistake, hands goddamn down, that Wilson’s Full Blast Fuckery is the worst album of 2003 that was made in 2013. “And that’s it.”