Woah, Where Did the Tailgate Party Come From?
When was the last time you worked out? Actually, your arms are lookin’ a little flabby. You even lift, bro? Hey, here’s a little piece of advice, pussy: You gotta pump ur fists, man. Yeah, that’s it, BROhammed Ali. Actually, if you really wanna get that rip going brother, throw on some Black Water Rising, Bro Montana. In fact, their newest release, Pissed and Driven, is like a Navy Seal workout… only for fist pumping… anyways…
Woah, where did the tailgate party come from? Hey BROsé Cuervo, toss me one of those BROquitos. Oh, never mind, Black Water Rising is here just in time for Summer Slam. Remember the time Pissed and Driven was the soundtrack to every WWE wrestler’s entrance? Yep, there are the sparklers. Wait, shit, that isn’t them? Man, Vince McMahon fucked up, then. Alright, let’s get to business here. So, basically, the first few songs…hold up, scratch that…the whole album is like one big Black Label Society / Alice in Chains mash up wank fest. In other words, it’s all the employees of your local Guitar Center on a smoke break trading riffs.
Listen, just do yourself a favor and take one look at the cover of Pissed and Driven and you know what exactly you’re in for: Asphalt annihilated, disgraced and punished by the pride of American engineering–- the Shelby 500 (adorned with skulls and bullrings for a grill, mind you) gurgling low RPM testosterone while chugging liters of oil, Jäger and blood, the 289 cubic inches of raw adrenaline propels through the detritus that is this Godforsaken Hell we call earth, knuckles gripping to fracture. And the driver? A fucking skeleton, that’s who. Engulfed in flames and reaching speeds that would put Chuck Yeager to shame, the destination is the closest bar around to buy your girlfriend drinks…ok…just kidding, this album is just four dudes rocking out in your drunk uncle’s favorite Elk’s Lodge.
This is bar music for all those who think Layne Staley is the greatest singer in history. Now, maybe being a little harsh here, and perhaps wanky Zakk Wylde shit is your bag, but let’s be real here: Black Water Rising came late to the ’90s party, crashed it, and then decided it was a good idea to keep the thing going in the alley outside. Party’s over, bro.
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